The Power of The Big 'Sexual Pause'

At some point you’ve most likely participated in celibacy, you just didn’t know it.

When I first started my celibacy journey it was a recovery method to heal from a 3-month fling. At first, it wasn’t intentional. All I knew at that point was the utter stare from a man would send me into a spiral of anger and distaste.

My bitterness led me down the road of reflection. I began acknowledging patterning traits in my past partners. All of them had shared patterns of emotional unavailability, poor intimacy boundaries, and resistance to committing to me.

So why was I attracting these types of men? Through the practice of shadow work, I realized I also carried these toxic traits. In fact, my partners were serving as mirrors to what I needed to heal myself.

This is exactly how the shadow appears. In the most sneaky ways, it will trick you into believing they are the issue, not you.

When I acknowledged my own shadows, is when celibacy became intentional. For a total of 13 months, I abstained from sex, dating, and even self-pleasure to redefine my relationship with each aspect in order to heal, and also become the partner I wanted to date.

Tips to Begin Celibacy

Create an intention, this is your why behind being celibate.
List out your rules. Here are some questions to get you started.
- Do you plan to date while celibate? If so, how will you communicate your boundaries?
- Will you partake in self-pleasure?
- How long would you like to be celibate?
- Will you contact your exes/flings/ f*ck boys? (See podcast episode to hear how I set myself up for success here)

The Shadows of Men, Sex, Self-Pleasure

Before my celibacy journey, I often found my self-worth in men. This was something I witnessed from my divorced mother as she not only was happier when men were in the picture, but she was also a better mom.

When it came to being physically intimate, it was simply an act. I never really enjoyed sex, but always convinced myself I was in power whenever I was with a man. Shadow work revealed to me my history of sexual abuse had me often recreating the past experience in order to have control over my body.

It’s a similar story with self-pleasure, although I used orgasms more as crutches. Whenever I would feel unwanted emotions arise, or resistance to doing something, I would masturbate to distract myself. I was aware enough to know at the beginning of my celibacy journey that no self-pleasure had to be a rule.

Reveal Your Shadow Journal Prompts

You can begin shadow work with the prompts below or with my free 3-day course here.

What am I most afraid of finding out about myself?
What is the biggest lie I've ever told someone I love?
What does this characteristic mean about me?
What am I most afraid of that my partner will find out about me?

As each month passed I became liberated. My bitterness towards men slowly evaporated, I had compassion for my past self, there was no shame or escapism through self-pleasure, and I no longer felt lonely. In fact, I learned how to love my own company.

Eventually I was ready to introduce partnership back into my life. Similar to my celibacy, it was an intentional decision. A lucky swipe right on Bumble and I met Emilio, my now partner of a year and a half.

Celibacy Is Nothing Like You Think It Is

Celibacy allows the space to help you see your patterns that have not been serving you.

This tool guides you to look inwards rather than watching everyone else outside of you and asking “do they like me? will they choose me? do they love me?”.

Paired with shadow work celibacy has the ability to revolutionize all of your relationships and your sex life.

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